7 Types of Friends

As I reflect on the power of relationships, I see that there are different ways that people approach friendship.  I'm just making this stuff up, but it seems to make sense.  Here are some types of friends that I see.

The Hider avoids relationships at every turn.  He enters every conversation looking for a way to end  He may fear being exposed, or may feel inadequate.  The hider wants to be discovered, but doesn’t feel worthy.  He wants to see the other person make the effort, because only then can he tell if that person truly wants to be friends.

The Diver jumps right in.  She has never met a stranger.  She tells you her life story in the grocery line.  Everyone is interested in her life, or so she thinks.  The diver gets in too deep too fast in nearly every relationship, and often gets hurt.  The diver shares so much information, that it overwhelms her friends.  Others may find themselves avoiding divers.

The Runner runs from relationship.  It’s hard to catch a runner.  He will avoid commitment, and cancel plans with flimsy excuses.  Runners are content to be alone, and don’t believe that Jesus wants to bless them through friendships.  Friendship is valuable, but he would rather observe it than experience it.

The Stone Waller is an easy person to get to know—at first.  This person makes friends easily, but only allows people to get so close.  When the relationship reaches a certain point, the stone waller refuses to go deeper.  Such people have experienced hurt with too much vulnerability, and they don’t want to go there again.  They may have lots of shallow friends, and constantly see people go in and out of their lives.

The Tiptoer goes into relationship slowly.  She gradually gains trust and earns respect.  The tiptoer counts the cost of friendship very carefully.  She wants deep friendships, but finds it difficult to open up.  When she feels betrayed or let down by someone, she takes that person off the deep friendship track in her life.  She may have lots of friends, but only a few close friends.  

The Clinger constantly looks for one person to escort him through life.  This is a needy person who will use up anyone who openly befriends him.  The clinger may turn on someone who begins pulling away.

The Normal Person is a fictitious creation that we all imagine is out there somewhere.  Well, maybe not. But I think that even normal people sometimes slide into one of the patterns above. Our challenge is to love people, even when they act weird.  And we can hope that others will love us when we are.  

Even more amazing is that God uses all these weird people in our lives to shape us into more godly people.  Only God could do that.

New Friends

We arrived back from Uganda on April 11, late in the evening.  I think everyone on the trip had a once-in-a-lifetime experience.  Nearly every night since our return, I have dreamed about the people in Wakiso, the district outside of Kampala, Uganda.  Meeting these folks has struck a chord deep in my soul.

Thanks to the work of Scott and Erin Littleton with The Mighty River Project, relationships were established long ago.  On this trip, the Littletons introduced their friends from the U.S. to their friends in Uganda.  It felt like a family reunion.

We visited Sunday through Wednesday in the village, spending the nights at a guesthouse in Kampala.  Every day we were talking with the basket makers, playing with the children, and working alongside the young men.  They received us with warmth and gratitude like beloved extended family. 

On the last day in Wakiso, we shared gifts with them.  The basket-making women received gifts from their personal sponsors and The Mighty River Project.  All the kids received backpacks filled with pencils, notebooks, stickers and toys.  It felt like Christmas.  We were a big family who love each other, sharing gifts from the heart.  They also shared gifts with us.

These relationships have been cultivated for four years.  With this trip, the relationship has reached a whole new level.  Already folks at Crossroads are planning the next trip.  We are planning who will go, whom they will meet and what gifts they will bring.

For me, my prayer is that I will never be the same.  I have seen the world as never before.  I have seen the gospel at work as never before.  To Jesus be the glory!

New Books

I recently received an order from Amazon, including four titles by Richard Rohr.  A year ago, as I began a two-month sabbatical, a friend recommended that I read a book by Rohr.  "Which one?" I asked.  "Any of them," he answered.  That's about right.  I have read three of Rohr's books now, and every one cuts through the fog and chaos of this world and drives straight to the heart of connecting with Jesus.

Of the four titles I received this week, one I have already read, but can't find my copy of the book.  I needed another one to reread and lend.  The new titles I look forward to reading are The Naked Now, Adam's Return, and From Wild Man to Wise Man.

I thank God for gifting this author with insight and wisdom.  Reading Rohr helps me become more like Jesus, and that's a miracle in itself.  And I thank God for friends who recommend good books!

I'm Pulling for You

I am a fan.  At least I have been.  I became a full-fledged fan for the Wake Forest Demon Deacons when I was in college.  I had planned not to be a fan, continuing my anti-school-spirit that served me so well in high school.  That spirit kept me negative and anti-social, and brought all the fun associated with misery.

But my suite of freshman guys helped me get a school spirit life.  I found that it is fun to have school spirit.  I liked sports anyway, so pulling for my team live-and-in-person was really cool.  So, I went all out for sports.  Although I never painted my face, I did spend the night out for tickets and even bought season basketball tickets one year, guaranteeing me excellent seats.  I went to the last Big Four Basketball Tournament in 1980, which my team won!  I never missed a conference football or basketball game in my four years of college.

Looking back, though, I see that I left some of my soul on the field or court.  That's really good for a competitor, but for a fan, it might not be healthy.  I mean, I spent many weekends in a semi-depressed state because my football team lost.  How could they throw that interception?  If only he had caught that pass.  Why did the coach call that play?  I would run those scenarios in my mind all weekend.  I would hold on to those mental gymnastics and really feel the loss.

One day it occurred to me that I did not have to think that way.  I had no control over the past, and even during the game I really had no control.  I was only a spectator, but I grieved and regretted and celebrated like an actual player.  I realized that was not healthy.  It really helped me to let go of the events over which I had no control.  I could still celebrate and enjoy the victories, but not take the losses to heart.  That badge of fanhood -- feeling depressed -- was not a badge I really wanted to wear.

I'm learning to balance allegiance to my team with my mental health.  Frankly, I don't know how those sports announcers can manage when their teams are losers.

Anyway, I see the same pattern as I invest my life in other people.  I am pulling for people to make good decisions and experience personal victory.  When they make poor decisions, from my perspective, I feel like I have personally failed.  What could I have said differently?  How could I have been a better friend?  But these are their decisions, not mine.  I don't have (and don't want to have) control over others' lives.  I may have some influence, but that's it.

So, when people settle for second best, disobey Jesus, or excuse their mixed up priorities, I take it personally.  I'm pulling for them.  I love to celebrate the victories, and I do.  But I overdo the ownership of loss.  It doesn't help them or me.

I'm pulling for you, but I'm learning how to do that responsibly.  It's your problem, not mine.  I'm here for you, cheering you on to victory.  When you lose, I want to divide your sorrows.  When you win, I want to multiply your joys.  But ultimately, your life is between you and God.  And so, my real effort needs to be in praying for you, and praying for me to be a better friend.

And obviously my problems are not your responsibility either, but you can call me out and cheer me on.

He's the One in charge of both you and me.  And we know he will win.

Ah, Friends

My family and I spent last week at the beach, and it was a great experience. With our time commitments increasing, I knew that we needed to make a vacation a priority. So, we spent New Year’s week at Long Beach, NC.

We got to read, watch cable TV (a rare treat), rest, walk on the beach, visit, play, pray, and eat. We learned to use our new “Cosmic Catch” toy ball. Lots of fun. We found some beautiful seashells.

I read through the book of Galatians in the Bible again, and I think I’m beginning to see what Paul’s big point is. Finally I am seeing how all the pieces of the book fit together. I did lots of other reading, too. I also took time to walk about two miles a day. (I have always regretted becoming a couch potato in vacations past.)

As fun and restful as our vacation was, I was ready to come home on Saturday.

We missed our friends. Fortunately, on Sunday, we had lots of time to visit. Of course we saw people at our worship celebration, and then ate lunch with friends. Then we got to spend all afternoon with friends again at a kid’s birthday party.

More than ever, I appreciate friends whose lives are woven together with ours. One of the best stress reducers in life is friendship. Having one or two close friends is good. And having a few dozen people who love you and build you up is priceless. I thank God for such meaningful relationships.

One of the books I read last week is “Making Room for Life,” by Randy Frazee. In it he talks about life with more time for relationships. Reading it made me grateful for my friends and eager to go deeper into friendship. It also made me see how family has to be a priority. I expect to be sharing more about making room for life in the days ahead.