The Bites and Stings in Relationship

Sitting on my deck this morning I saw one of those big Japanese hornets flying around.  Of course I don’t really know what kind of bug this was.  Normally those hornets are so loud you can hear them before you see them.  This one was the stealth variety, I suppose.  He came over toward my chair, and I lost sight of him.  I wondered if he would sneak up behind me and sting my leg.  The mosquitoes love to sneak around and bite me where I can’t see them.

Then it occurred to me that the hornet didn’t really want to sting me.  He was looking for food or a friend, or a water fountain.  The hornet would only bother me if I threatened him.  Stinging bugs sting because they feel threatened.

Biting bugs, however, will go after me.  They need food and consider me a provider.  It doesn’t matter if I provoke them.  Biting bugs bite because they want food. 

This was a big aha for me.  The stinging bugs are just protecting themselves, and the biting bugs are out for blood.

Both bites and stings hurt, but the motivation behind them is very different.

Bites and stings also happen in relationships.  Most of the hurts, I believe, are just stings.  People feel threatened, and lash out to protect themselves.  Some are very touchy and easily provoked, like yellow jackets.  They become very aggressive, and just plain mean.  Others are more easy going and rarely sting, like wasps.

Those who bite are predators.  They seek conflict and thrive on sucking the life out of others.  They come after their victims.  They are always sneaky, like the mosquito that bites your neck, or the tick that lurks under your clothes.  For some unhealthy reason, people who bite feel like they need conflict to survive.

The bites and stings in life hurt.  Maybe it helps to know the motive behind the hurts.  We can watch out for those who bite and take steps to avoid having our blood sucked.  We can recognize the stings as self-defense and handle them with grace.

See any mosquitoes or hornets in your life?  How about when you look in the mirror?

Parenting Tips

Have fun.  Parenting should be enjoyed, not endured.  Take a few steps back and have a good laugh.  Someday you will look back at this and laugh.  Maybe today should be the day.

Choose your battles.  Don’t order kids to do something unless you really mean it.  Think about it.  If something bothers you, is that your problem or the kid’s problem?  Can you enforce your request?  Once you put down the order, be prepared to go to the mat. 

Win your battles.  Have a plan for enforcement in mind.  What are you going to do if Johnny won’t stop running around the couch?  In some cases, all you need to do is gently stop the offensive behavior.  There’s a reason that God made parents bigger than children.  In other cases, you may need to stop the kid and punish her.  If your kids learn that you don’t mean it when you give instructions, they lose respect for you.  And eventually, you lose control of your kids.

Give boundaries.  Kids like to know that you are in control, and they count on you to set the boundaries.  Without boundaries, they feel abandoned, believing that no one will stop them from harmful behavior.  One of the great parent tools is the phrase, “That’s enough.”  Translation:  “That behavior is not purely evil, but you can’t keep doing it, because it is getting on my nerves.”  A corollary phrase is, “Two more times, and that will be enough.”  The structure of bed time, meal time, sharing, and physical protection expresses love to a child.

Pay now, not later.  It is tough to make children behave.  Constantly enforcing the rules is anything but convenient.  If they don’t obey when they are small, they will certainly not obey when they are older.  The older they get, the higher are the stakes for their decisions.  A rebellious 14-year-old gets in much worse trouble than a rebellious 4-year-old.  Make them behave and eventually (maybe after their own kids are born), they will thank you for it. 

Parenting is lots of fun when you enjoy your kids.  If you don’t enjoy being with them, you have to wonder who does….

Pushed to the Limit

Humanity looks like a giant experiment.

History reveals a pattern of pushing the limits.  Humanity pushes the limits, and eventually we see the results. 

We push the limits of production and we get the industrial revolution.  We get less expensive, uniformly produced items of all varieties.

In sports, we move from friendly competition to professional athletes whose job it is to perfect bodily movements with greater strength, endurance, speed and agility.  Then we get stress fractures, steroid abuse, and millions of onlookers who spend billions of dollars.

In exploration, we have found virtually all there is to find on the globe, and we can see high resolution images of virtually every spot on the planet.

We push time to the limit.  We think that we can live with little sleep.  Always busy, always on, always accessible.

We experiment with technology now.  What is it like to be constantly connected to potential interruptions?  What does that do to our minds?  To our souls?

What would happen if we pushed faith to the limit?

FAQ

There are some questions I get more than others.  Here are some of the questions I am frequently asked.

Where’s Momma?

I thought she was with you…

Why is the internet not working?

Our router sucks.

Will you kill this bug?

No.

Have you heard this preacher?

No.  For some reason I don’t watch TV preachers.  I’m sure that some are very good.

Do you know the commercial about                        ?

No.  I don’t watch enough TV. 

Did you run the Olympic triathlon?

No.  I only run the “sprint” version of the triathlon.  But I think it’s cool that you think I could do that.

How old is your dog?

Licorice, our black lab, is almost 12.

What are you doing?

It’s a long story.

Dividing Time

The concept of time has always fascinated me.  We all know what time is, but it defies definition.  Early in civilization, people began to mark time by breaking it into chunks.  We have millennia, centuries, decades, years, seasons, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds.

Only three of those units of time are directly embedded in nature:  the year, the season and the day.  All other units of time are arbitrarily created by man.  OK, the seven day-week was God’s idea.  But I suppose God could have set up a five- or eight-day week, if he had desired. 

For us, time is marked by regular, observable recurrences in nature.  All of these marks center around the sun, quite literally.  We evaluate and mark life on the basis of light.

I wonder how much simpler life would be if we measured only the natural units of time.

The Can after Can't

At the Orange Conference in April, speaker Bob Goff said that his least favorite word is "can't."  (His favorite word is "whimsy," by the way.)

Oddly, I have been liberated by the word "can't."  It has taken me a long time to realize what I can't do.  I can't make people make the right decisions.  I can't make people show up at church.  I can't produce spiritual work.  I can't manufacture anything of spiritual value.  I can't know everything.  I can't make people like me.

I have tried for decades to do all of those things.  Only God can do spiritual work of eternal value.  I can cooperate with him while he does it, but I cannot make it happen myself.

Once I work through the can't, I get to the can.  I can be free.  I can stop beating myself up for failing to produce what only God can do.  I can cooperate with him.  I can be obedient, and watch God work.  I can find real joy.  I can let go.  I can stop bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I can be bold.  I can take risks.  I can fail.  I can have fun.  I can succeed.  I can take the next step in my journey with Jesus.  I really can, when I stop trying to do what I can't. 

Deep breaths.  Deep breaths.  Feels good!

What Kind of Friend Are You?

As I reflect on the power of relationships, I see that there are different ways that people approach friendship.  I'm just making this stuff up, and my list is far from complete, but I hope it provides some insight.

The Hider avoids relationships at every turn.  He enters every conversation looking for a way to end it.  He may fear being exposed, or may feel inadequate.  The hider wants to be discovered, but doesn’t feel worthy.  He wants to see the other person make the effort, because only then can he tell if that person truly wants to be friends.

The Diver jumps right in.  She has never met a stranger.  She tells you her life story in the grocery line.  Everyone is interested in her life, or so she thinks.  The diver gets in too deep too fast in nearly every relationship, and often gets hurt.  The diver shares so much information, that it overwhelms her friends.  Others may find themselves avoiding divers.

The Runner runs from relationship.  It’s hard to catch a runner.  He will avoid commitment, and cancel plans with flimsy excuses.  Runners are content to be alone, and don’t believe that Jesus wants to bless them through friendships.  Friendship is valuable, but he would rather observe it than experience it.

The Stonewaller is an easy person to get to know—at first.  This person makes friends easily, but only allows people to get so close.  When the relationship reaches a certain point, the stonewaller refuses to go deeper.  Such people have experienced hurt with too much vulnerability, and they don’t want to go there again.  They may have lots of shallow friends, and constantly see people go in and out of their lives.

The Climber goes into relationship slowly.  She gradually gains trust and earns respect.  The climber counts the cost of friendship very carefully.  She wants deep friendships, but finds it difficult to open up.  When she feels betrayed or let down by someone, she removes that person from the deep friendship track in her life.  She may have lots of friends, but only a few close friends. 

The Clinger constantly looks for one person to escort him through life.  This is a needy person who will use up anyone who openly befriends him.  The clinger may turn on someone who begins pulling away. He leaves a trail of former friends as he moves through life.

We have to remember that friendship is not optional, not if we want to be obedient to Jesus.  He calls us to live life together in fellowship.  We actually need each other, so that we can become all that God wants us to be.

By the way, I’m a hider.